Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
