Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
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