you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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