Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I just found a bag of teeth...
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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