Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
