I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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