i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Michael Bay diarrhea
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
