I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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