why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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