Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
BRING THE BAGELS
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
