I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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