I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
