First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.