I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
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