The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
