we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
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