He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN