i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.