I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
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Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
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He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.