Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars