Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Randomize
