I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
