i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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