then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
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I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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