worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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