hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
