Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
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Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
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That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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