I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
