I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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