Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
