oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
