I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Randomize
