If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
