If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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