I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
