Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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