GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
