Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
