So drunk, too bad you don't want this
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
