Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
