I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
