he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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