After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
