she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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