When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Randomize
