You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
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