i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
