Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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