What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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