I feel great
I just peed on a car
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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