I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
