Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
