I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
