3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
you will always have a special place in my vag
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
