He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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