I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
