I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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