Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
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you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
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You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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