So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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