I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
