It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
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let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
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I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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