So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
