Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
